 Things not to say to a police officer.
If you're pulled over by the police, and they ask "Son,
your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" never reply with
"Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughuts?"
*or*
"Hold my beer while I grab my license..."
*or*
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am, officer."
*or*
"I'm not drunk-- I can lie on the floor without holding
on!"
*or*
"At least I'm not drinking and driving-- I might spill my
drink!"
When pulled over by a police officer for speeding, never
reply with:
"I'm only speeding because I want to get to the bars before
last call!"
*or*
"License and registration? Sure, I don't mind helping you
reach your quota."
Miscellanious things you should not say to a police officer.
"Nice gun."
Great things to dress up as for Halloween by webmistress
Vera.
-Eric Harris
(all you need is a trenchcoat and a KMFDM cap)
Total cost: approx. $10 if you already have a trenchcoat
-Vlad the Impaler
(All you need is a long, pointy stick)
Total cost: Some time to sharpen a stick
-George Bush
(All you need is a suit and a monkey mask)
Total cost: About $2 for a plastic monkey mask from the dollar
store. (If you have a suit)
-A cop
(All you need is a pig nose, a box of donuts and a cop shirt)
Total cost: This is a hard costume to make, but totally worth it.
Approx: $15 for the donuts and nose.
-A hosebag
(This is a Canadian term for one who is a slut, skank or otherwise
basically a Canadian hick --especially those from Capreol or my mother.) All you need is a garbage bag and some garden hose.
Cut a hole for your head and arms in the garbage bag, and wrap the hose around your waist like a belt.
Total cost: About $5 for the box of garbage bags, if you can get
the hose from your garage.
-A "disposable teen"
A la Marilyn Manson, this one is for fans who get the pun
Basically the same as a hosebag, but without the hose.
Total cost: Same as above.
Things not to do while you're at school, by webmistress Vera
- Run around screaming "I'm posessed by the ghost of Eric Harris!!!" --NOT a good
idea!
- Make napalm in a bathroom--that doesn't go over very well.
- Threaten things, such as inanimate objects--schools don't like their inanimate
objects threatened...
- Say incriminating things infront of teachers... examples of this are: arguing
with alter-egos, fist fighting with alter-egos, talking about guns or bombs, or killing people.
- Say the teachers, vice principal or principal is a (one of the following): Nazi,
something that is going to shed it's human skin and eat the student body alive, a drunken pedophile, a stupid googly-eyed
hick, a soon-to-be cadaver.
- Things not to say to a teacher:
"Why won't you just lay down and die?"
"This is Slim. He tells me to set things on fire." (Slim is a small stuffed duck.
This effect can be achieved with staplers just as easily)
"Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (or Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy... any serial
killers) are my heros."
To the tune of "If I only had a brain"
"If I had a gun you'd all be dead,
I'd shoot you in the f**king head,
I'd fill your body full of lead,
If I only had a gun!"
Things not to do for extra-credit by Hanselfritz and Vera
HISTORY-
- When learning about Vietnam, do not make napalm and bring
it to school for extra credit. Even if your grandfather/great
uncle or another ancestor has a weapon similar or identical to the weapons you are learning about, do not bring it to school.
- When learning about Vlad the Impaler, do not impale people.
- Do not ressurect the people you are learning about and bring
them to class, this might be a brain-eating good time for the zombie, but not for you.
- Do not scream "I am possessed by the ghost of Adolf Hitler!"
SCIENCE-
- When the teacher tells you to write your own experiment, do
not write your experiment containing the following purposes: "Which substance melts my desk faster." "Which napalm is most
effective for classmates" or require any of the following ingredients: Concentrated sulphuric, or nitric, acid, gasoline and
vasenline (combined), gunpowder, live subjects, uranium, plutonium or strike-anywhere matches.
- When your teacher teaches you that if you manage to exchange
protons with an object you will set off a nuclear reaction, do not try to run into an object at the speed of light to create
this. Especially if the teacher is standing right in front of you.
- Do not set your teacher, or classmates, on fire.
ENGLISH-
- Do not write a poem about how much you want to kill the teacher,
your classmates, or anything else.
- Do not use too many of the following words in a story/paragraph/essay/poem
etc. :die, death, torture, Columbine, suicide, homocide, infantcide, kamakaze, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Vlad the Impaler,
Eric Harris, fire, bombs, napalm, nuclear war... etc. etc.
GEOGRAPHY
- Do not start a war to make your own country so that your class has
to learn all about you, the founding father/mother.
- Do not write your plans for world domination in an atlas, especially
when complete with graphic depictions.
How to freak people out in public places
MALL
This is a very undesirable place to be. Avoid it at all costs. However, if there
is some REALLY good reason for you to be at the mall, here are some tips to make sure you have a little fun.
- Follow security guards around: Don't follow them to their cars or anything,
but if you see them rushing somewhere, follow them and talk into your wrist like you have a miniature walkie-talkie there.
- Play in the toy section with the toy weapons. This is optimal if you are
between the ages of 15-18... any older than that and it is creepy, and any younger and no one will think anything of it.
- Test all of the lighters and zippos They HATE it when you do that.
- Carry toys INTO the store. Recently, Hanselfritz and I conducted
an experiment. We wore long black coats, did our makeup, and then went into a store whilst carring a giant blue, pink and
white stuffed rabbit, whom we dubbed Lily. Needless to say, we got stared at... well, more than usual.
PARK
- Draw chalk outlines of you and your friends with white chalk on the pavement
and then splatter some fake blood around.
- Jump out of trees in front of little kids. (Between the ages of 8-12) anything
younger than that is just malicious.)
GYMS AND OTHER EXCERCISE PLACES
- Eat any of the following foods in front of the people on the treadmills:
McDonalds and other fast food burger joints, pizza, tacos, fried chicken, doughnuts, ice cream, pop, cake, cookies, and other
candy. Then yell: "No pain, no gain!"
- Splash the people sitting beside the pool by making the biggest cannonball
you can. Unless they are small children, because then that's just mean.
- In the showers, scream "Dry your feet or you'll get trenchfoot!"
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